Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize