see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
