I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize