i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
