ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
