I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
