you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
