I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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