Already got asked if we're dating
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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