It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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