i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Drake has all the answers
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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