I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
