from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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