I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
