By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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