i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
