I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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