yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
