I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
