I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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