You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
