You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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