is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize