dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
