dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
