took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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