i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Randomize
