Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize