i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
