dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
