Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
