new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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