I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
