got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
