my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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