if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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