wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
