Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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