So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
