Got a toothbrush?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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