Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
