i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
