I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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