is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Vodka?
Forever.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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