Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
