I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I need a beard to bite.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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