ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
