sarcasm needs its own font
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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