guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
