I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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