nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have aggressive nipples.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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