Slut skills are useful in every country.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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