Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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