my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm really busy with my period
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