Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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