he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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