my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
cat food counts as protein by the way
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
