Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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