I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
