I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
