EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I forgot wine drunk hurts
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize