Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
