I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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