I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's just like the Real World with babies
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
