It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
