i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
