I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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