i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
